Geoff Jacket

I Swear I don’t Feel like Killing Myself, it’s just a Memory of MySpace

I once made a very dramatic declaration of my intention to end my life. Those who know me well might find that last sentence amusing, given that I am prone to such outbursts, especially if I’ve just left a party.

It was not the first, nor was it anywhere near the last, time that I made such a statement, but it was quite likely the best. The Declaration was made on the Olde MySpace and it may have taken the form of a status update, I can no longer recall.

While the details of the statement have been lost to the sands of time (and the surprising finality of canceling a MySpace account), I am certain that it expressed the following sentiments:

1) I Intended to Purchase a Firearm and Shoot Myself in the Face.

2) By the time People noticed I would be Dead

3) I was certain that my Self-Inflicted-Fatal-Face-Explosion would be of little consequence to my Friends, Internet or otherwise.

It garnered the largest response of any stated intention of suicide expressed before or since. I received a number of concerned messages from my internet friends, and their concern was likely genuine, given that they took the time to convey by means of the cumbersome MySpace messaging system.

Le Sigh…

I have Always Empathized with the Incredible Hulk

(Source: cannabinomad)

I’ve been Hesitant to Watch any Bo Burnham, because he is Super Young and Mega Successful and sometimes Watching the Brilliant Work of Young and Successful People makes me to Want to Set myself on Fire in front of the William Morris Agency, but this is Solid Fucking Gold. It’s Incredible.

Also, it Totally Made me Want to Set Myself on Fire in front of the William Morris Agency.

Also, also, the William Morris Agency is a Major Player in the Entertainment Game and Self-Immolation is currently my Best Idea to get their Attention

Also, also, also, this 4 minute bit is Incredible.

Also, also, also, also, I do Stand-Up Comedy, but People generally Talk over it.  Sometimes people think it’s Poetry.  I’ve been told my Stories are Pointless.  All those things also make me Want to Set myself on Fire.

Also, also, also, also, also, there are a Great Many Things that Make me Want to Set Myself on Fire.

Things that Make me Want to Set Myself on Fire:

People talking over me when I’m on Stage

Waiting to go on Stage

Watching another Performer do something Better than Me

Watching other People watching another Performer do something Better than Me

Waiting in line

Seeing my ex-wife

Being ignored at social gatherings

Getting ready for social gatherings

Attending social gatherings

People asking me “What I do for Work”

Applying for Jobs

Eating

Trying to go to Sleep

Watching the sun come up after a night of sitting in silence because everyone else in the entire universe is asleep

Groups of girls laughing

Groups of guys walking past me

Hip-hop

The continuing popularity of Dj’s

Sit-ups

Hair Loss

Short-shorts

and Memories.

This is by no means a Complete List.

Also, also, also, also, also, also, Watch the Video.  It’s Incredible.

Updates Available: The Constitution for iPhone

I have a Digital Copy of the Constitution of the United States on my phone.  It is in the form of an app.  “Constitution for iPhone”.  Today, I saw that there is an update available for the app. 

I’m quite Excited about the Update as it will almost certainly Remove the Provisions of that Document that are no longer relevant, including, but not limited to: the 4th Amendment, the 1st Amendment, the 6th Amendment and the 9th Amendment.

The Removal of these Antiquated Sections of the Document will hopefully Free up sufficient Space on my Phone to allow me to Download some Sweet Games like Angry Birds, Words with Friends and Fascist Dictatorship Action Fun Drawing Puzzle.

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Bat the Fuck Up!

The Erosion of Progress by Religions

Neil DeGrasse Tyson does it again!

Do Scientists Hug?

I’d Hug this Man.

An Excellent Presentation on the Dangers of Religion.

Even a cursory examination of History would show that Religion is a Shameful and Despicable Racket, perpetrated upon the Young, the Illiterate, and the Fearful by Wicked Men who would Make themselves Gods.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson does not make that statement.  His Words are more Forgiving, or at least, less Hateful. I, however, am not a Scientist, but a Satirist.  My Words are Full of Fury.

Oh for a Muse of Fire that would Consume the Minds of the Dull and Willfully Ignorant.

Also, I am Reckless in my use of Commas, and I make Unconventional Punctuation Choices.

(Source: youtube.com)

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Regarding Charity Concerts:

To Write Love on Her Arms is an organization that is dedicated to the noble cause of Suicide Prevention.  At least, that’s what they claim to be about.  Their website seems to be devoted to selling t-shirts to guys with sleeve-tattoos, pierced noses, and a large collection of all-weather slouchy beanies.  If you didn’t want to kill yourself, a quick perusal of their website, and the good-looking smiling young people that it features, should have you wanting to die in no time.

The local chapter of this too-hip-to-be-effective organization sponsored a concert earlier this evening at a venue I frequent.  I happened to be in the area and, as is sometimes the case, I kind of wanted to die. 

What Good Fortune! 

Instead of suffering in silence I would be able to enjoy an evening of music and camaraderie.  Unfortunately, the music was terrible.  Really bad.  To be fair, I only saw one band, but they were horrendous.  A five-piece neo-eunich-indie-dissonance outfit from Tempe.  They seemed out-of-practice.  Their singer seemed lost most of the time, as though he had walked in on the middle of the song everyone else was playing.  It was a Shit Show. 

Too make it worse, the crowd Loved it.  Absolutely loved it.  They danced, and cheered, and whooted throughout the obviously dreadful set.  They looked a great deal like the people featured on the To Write Love on Her Arms website.  They looked happy and well-adjusted.  They seemed enthusiastic about life.  They looked like smug too-cool-for-school-christians.  They were all young and did not seem to need a night of good music and camaraderie.  They seemed quite happy to go to an event where the volume of the music made speaking impossible.

I am something of a Performer, by which I mean I used to be quite good.  I have never been able to generate the sort of response those five dildos from Tempe did earlier tonight.  Oh, how I hated them.

After enduring 30ish minutes of this disheartening scene I said my goodbyes to my associates.  It went something like this:

Me: “Is this a Suicide Prevention Benefit?”

He: “Yeah.”

Me: “This might be a bit too much, but I’m going to say it anyway.  Being at this show has dramatically increased my desire to kill myself.”

He: “Wow.  That is a bit much”.

Then I walked out.

Ever the Contrarian, I marched out into the snowy night full of the sort of suicidal rage the event was intended to assuage.  I was furious and sad.

Who were these young people to talk about suicide and isolation, they seemed to have a great deal of enthusiasm for life?

They were mostly college freshmen, the world is theirs for the taking.  They are at the easiest and most enjoyable part of their lives.  Fuck I hated them.

Soon they’ll be working at their father’s law firm or their mother’s dental practice.

What’s their credit situation?  How’s their work history?

It seemed to me that the only one there who has ever seriously considered ending their own life was me.

The Picture of Mark Twain is not really related to this post.

Also, I am reckless in my use of commas.

sirmitchell:

“Magnets”

The entire show is online at Gallery1988.com, where you can purchase prints & originals. 

If you are interested in buying the print above, you can find it here.

Too Awesome

"Lockout is by far the best movie ever made about a disgraced ex-CIA agent—who’s taken the fall for a crime he did not commit—who reluctantly infiltrates a supermax space prison—that’s been overrun by 497 cryogenically-frozen prisoners—in order to rescue the president’s leggy blonde daughter—who’s been taken hostage during her liberal humanitarian space mission to investigate prisoner abuse—from a pair of Welsh-Irish-Scottish sibling archvillains, as said space jail hurtles towards earth’s atmosphere. It’s also likely the best movie ever made that takes place in the year 2079."

— Winner: Best Paragraph on Our Site Today. (via motherjones)

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Extra!  Extra!

Definitive Proof that Bruce Wayne is the Batman!

ammerywaffles:

I made this for Easter. Enjoy.

Solid

I Think I Might Be Drowning